See the Light

I always try my hardest to remain positive and thankful.  Today, I had to try REALLY hard.

Jude woke up late this morning, which did not go unnoticed by his little sister.  Shane and I attributed this to the excitement of being around family and a late bedtime.  However, as the morning progressed, Shane and I prepared for the inevitable call to his oncologist.  After declining breakfast (a huge red flag for this food lover!), a request for a nap less than an hour after waking up, and a bad feeling tummy, I was on the lookout for a fever.  Sure enough, after some time alone in the bathroom, I went to check on my tough guy, only to find him trying his hardest to clean up his puke.  His only concern was that he had "messed up Grandma and Grandpa's new bathroom."  I immediately jumped into action.  This is not new for me, but it never ever gets easier.  Shane also sprung into action, and cleaned the bathroom, while I tended to my boy.  

Jude can be tricky sometimes.  At a young age, he learned that complaints about pain or sickness were not taken lightly, and usually resulted in a trip to the doctor, which in turn resulted in a needle poke, many hours of waiting in a cold, boring triage or hospital room, questioning and prodding by staff and med students...all while feeling sick and wishing to just be snuggled up in his own home.  No fun...for anyone!     He always plays the tough guy.  When asked how he feels, he will always err on the side of "perfectly fine".  He will not complain or cry.  He will not come to his mom, even in a moment of need...like in the bathroom this morning.  I admire his strength and am proud for his ability to handle much on his own...but damn it!  I want him to want or need me sometimes.  I feel so helpless.  This is a purely selfish request, and one I would never demand or ask for.  I am so thankful for my Jude.  Everything he has gone through and is going through are helping to shape such an amazing young man.  I have no doubt that this experience in his young life will help to prepare the way that he responds and reacts to difficult situations in the future.  He is so poised, courteous and respectful, even in his sickest moments; yet curious enough to ask important questions and be aware of everything around him.  

After I changed Jude's pajamas, wrapped him up in his Grandpa's robe (...oh, Grandpa, you should wash your robe by the way!), we rocked in the chair for awhile and discussed that we may need a trip to the doctor.  Still no fever at this point.  Jude was very clearly ill.  He was not worried about being tough at this point and just wanted to rest and drink water.  He went from feeling terrible, tired and thirsty, to chills, fever and awful in less than an hour.  Shane called Jude's doctor and we were soon on our way to the ER.  

These two were able to catch a few Zzzz's during our stay in the ER.

 For Jude's sake, Shane and I are always mindful of how our reactions to his moments of illness may affect him.  We don't ever want to make him feel guilty, worried or scared for having to go to the doctor or hospital.  As worried as we may be on the inside, we remain calm and collected.  We make an amazing team.  From the beginning, Shane has always been the one that handles the paperwork, doctors and insurance...the business end of things.  He is a "numbers guy" and gains comfort in reading Jude's lab work and staying on top of Jude's stats. He has an amazing memory and is full of details about Jude's "numbers" that would put the speed of a computer to shame.

My role has always been more of a comforter for Jude.  I am there to help Jude understand, age appropriately, everything that is going on.  Something we realized about Jude from the beginning is that he feels much more at ease and comfortable when he knows what is going on with him.  He does not respond well to being treated like a child...go figure!  He is just as curious about his diagnosis as anyone else would be in his situation.  For what he goes through, it ought not be for nothin'!  I am the one Jude looks to when a nurse or doctor responds to one of his questions with a smile instead of a thorough explanation.  He looks to me when he needs to use the bathroom, but his IV line is tangled in the bed rails, or when he is too tired or sick to answer the same questions over and over again to different staff and medical students popping in at every opportunity, or when he just needs a reassuring smile from his mom while being examined by a new doctor for the umpteenth time.  These are just some of the reasons I would never EVER request that he act like he "needed me" more.  I know he is still my little boy.  He needs me plenty.  Sure, it's not the way that I thought it would be, but it is what it is.  I realize I am absolutely not "helpless," though it can certainly feel that way.

As awful as this all may seem, I am so thankful.  As much as there is to be upset about, there is also much to be gained in these situations.  We are so close to the end of Jude's treatment plan and have not had any major setbacks or reasons to believe his cancer will come back.  Today, one of our concerns was bringing him to a new hospital he had not been seen in before.  All of that concern went out the window when we got there.  Rhinelander's ER department was absolutely wonderful.  We have been to our fair share of hospitals across the country, some of which were top of the line, and St. Mary's in Rhinelander was extremely competent, professional and understanding of our situation.  We felt assured and confident of the level of care Jude received and appreciated that they were considerate of our input.  It was an absolute pleasure to have one less thing to worry about, and for that we are thankful.

Days like these are certainly not welcome, but I am thankful that we got to check out and come back to Grandma and Grandpa's house tonight, rather than check in to the hospital.  I am thankful that I was able to snuggle my son to sleep without IV lines, blood pressure cuffs and heart rate monitors on tonight.  I am thankful that I was able to come home to my daughter, who barely noticed our absence due to her wonderful grandparent's care.  I am thankful that I have such an amazing man snoring beside me now, always taking care of his family at any cost and being the strongest pillar I could ever lean on.  I am thankful that I can still see the light in all of this.  It was a challenge to remain positive, but I got through this day.  I have everything I need right here.  I am thankful.

Road Trippin' to Wisco

Well, we made it!  We have happily planted our booties in Wisconsin for the week :)

It was a completely simple trek from Georgia to Wisconsin, courtesy of our expert road-trippin' children.  When we tell people we are making the trip, we get plenty of advice and "pity" looks.  Apparently, road tripping with children is supposed to be difficult across the board...I guess we are doing it wrong then!  We prepare well in advance for this two day drive.  I brought my camera and my crochet/project bag, Shane downloaded all kinds of fun new music and podcasts for us to listen to, kids were well stocked in DVDs and books (Round number ??? of The Hobbit and Sorcerer's Stone...wondering when my throat is going to start making physical memories and I will be able to recite these books without the books!), Jude had his iPad and Rio had her Nabi Jr., the kids brought a sleeping buddy and each person brought a small blanket.  

One new rule that had me slightly concerned about out long trip is our new "no food/drinks excepting water" in the van!  We agreed the week prior, when after five+ years of having children, Shane helped to clean the van and take apart the car-seats FOR THE VERY FIRST (and probably last) TIME!  Oh the horror!  This was not my first time, in fact, I probably do this dreadful task once every other month.  It never ceases to amaze me how absolutely gnarly it gets under and inside of those seats!  Anywho...after Shane witnessed the atrocities of eating and drinking schlopping and spilling in the van, low and behold!  We FINALLY get to enforce the big rule!  We now take the time to stop and enjoy our meal or snack and clean up our hands/faces/clothes and use the potty, which takes us about 15-20 minutes.  We actually found that, not only is this a perfect amount of time to move our stiff bodies, but we did not waste one morsel of food that we bought!  With no snacking going on, we maintained a tight eating schedule that had us ready to chow down when the time was right!  

With all of this variety and activity for the trip well planned out, we still hear the classic "road trip" question...Are we there yet?  I think if we didn't hear this, it couldn't actually be classified as a real road trip, nor could we be classified as real parents ;)  We just deal with this question with honesty...which induces plenty of extra questions regarding "time".  Telling a 2 and 5 year old, "We have about 8 more hours of driving to the hotel," doesn't seem to cut it!  We need to satisfy their curiosity, so we get creative with age appropriate comparisons of time.  We say things like, "Well, it's about one more episode until the next wayside, where we get to stop and play tag on the playground for ten minutes!"  BOOM!  They know approximately how long a cartoon "episode" is, and are easily distracted by their longing for physical activity...no more "Are we there yets!"  

All of that sitting on our butts' is exhausting though!  So, walking into the door at Grandma and Grandpa's was so lovely.  The kids were overjoyed and it didn't take long before they had G&G hauling tote after tote up from the basement, full of their dad's old toys.  They are experts when it comes to destroying a clean room in minutes.  No exceptions here!  Luckily, they followed suit with our "one tote at a time rule" and after some nudging, helped to clean up one before dumping another.  Rio even went as far as "helping" grandma in the kitchen after supper.  She made sure to re-wet every surface that her splash could reach from the kitchen sink :) 

We had a relaxing evening, just catching up and watching the kids (and the Grandparents) get out all of their pent up energy. We did a lot of laughing and football watching.  We compared and played each others iPad games and made everyone turn Zombies with Grandpa's phone app.  We destroyed Evil Dad and played with the fighting sticks until G&G couldn't take anymore...and then there was always more!  Who could resist those huge belly laughs with every blow to the head...certainly not Grandma and Grandpa!  My favorite part was that Shane and I mostly did a lot of yawning and lounging on the couch while this all went on.  We have only been back home for a few hours and my cheeks hurt from smiling already!   

Rio was a blur for most of the evening.  She showed G&G how fast and furious she really is! 

 Jude had an epic battle with Evil Dad.  After crying "uncle" from the tickle torture, Rio came to the rescue!

 Evil Dad was defeated (by the chainsaw wielding toddler!) and all peace was restored in the living room.

 No night at Grandma's is complete without some great snuggling and rockin' in the big chair!

 Eventually, little eyes (and big grown-up eyes) got pretty heavy and we all called it a night.

We settled in downstairs, after warming our buns by the fire!  The kids fell asleep instantly in the brand new Grandpa-Made bunk bed and now...I shall join in this slumber party!  I had better get my sleep, because regardless of how much I think I can relax and lounge about, I have a ton of visiting to do this week!

Ta for now!

Proud Mama

 I am a proud mama everyday.  I am proud of my children.  I am proud of their accomplishments and milestones. I am proud of their individuality and ability to have their own thoughts without fear of disapproval.  I am proud.  Just so dang proud!  Today was an exceptionally proud day.

    Rio wanted to do a snowman project today, so we dragged out the paints and q-tips (easiest clean-up ever!)  I let her dip into the little bit of paint that is on the inside of the cap, which is always just enough, and I figure worst case, that isn't enough paint to damage anything enough to warrant a silent melt-down in my mind :)  I was so proud of her initiative.  She is such a "go-getter."  I was also beaming at how proud she was of her own work.  As she should be!  


Another "proud mama" moment I had today was finishing my first crochet "garment!"  I stitched those buttons on in between a million other deadline type tasks today, determined to photograph her on this gorgeous fall day...of 75+ degrees!  Dare I say, I am glad it was so windy or I might not have gotten even one photo out of this little cutie!  Needless to say, she didn't last long in full gear.  But, we got some cute pictures for my Ravelry Projects Page and she got to show it off at Jude's school today.

The super awesome *FREE* pattern I used for the cardigan is from Yarny Days.  I made some minor adjustments to fit my kiddo, since the pattern was for itty bitties.  The hat was a "crochet-along" video by Meladoras Creations.  I am a visual learner, and though I am left handed, was able to play-pause-catch up-play some more-repeat!  The flower is from BobWilson123, my favorite YouTube crocheter :)

Today was a special day because it was our families first ever Parent Teacher Conference!  Of course, we typically keep up pretty closely with how Jude is doing in school, it was still so great to just sit and talk about his progress thus far and hear about how he interacts away from home!  It's a pretty new experience for me to be on the receiving end of a story about Jude, and now I see why I always get such a great response when I share about this kid!  He is hilarious and witty, but also tender-hearted and genuinely adorable.  I am so proud to be associated with such an amazing person.  I love that, somehow...I get lumped into some of the credit of his awesome self.

Can you guess which one is my cautious
one and which is my dare devil?

As a reward for getting such an amazing review from his teacher (and because the day was way too gorgeous to waste!) we went to the park after school and had a picnic.  We ate and laughed and chased after napkins flying away in the wind.  We played on the jungle gym, swung on swings, climbed and crawled everywhere we could fit!  Notice I say "we."  You did not read that wrong.  Even hugely pregnant, when I have my camera, I become "photographer," and I forget any obstacles that may ensue!  Win-win.  I get my photos and the kids get to laugh wildly at their mother stuck under the slide covered in wood chips!  I am paying for that now, by the way.  We had such a great day.  Have I mentioned how proud I am?

It's so wonderful that my children are best friends.  I don't know how long something like this lasts, or when the phase of "pesky, bothersome siblings" happens, so I am just soaking in all the love I see in them for each other like an addict!  It was so rewarding when Shane and I witnessed their first "non-parent prompted" interactions.  When they first started addressing each other, doing things like playing, talking and pretending, picking a movie or just plotting evil together!  I am in love with their love for each other :)  I realize it is naive to think that fights won't happen, and grudges won't be held.  It is sort of a "coming of age" thing to blow off the younger sibling(s) at some point, right?  I don't look forward to those days, but realize they may will happen.  I just hope they run their course and get past it quickly!  Until then, I am enjoying their friendship.

             
                                       

Let me tell you a secret...Just Kidding!  Big kiss on the cheek!

Are we done with pictures yet?

Sweet Babies <3

Are the Holidays really actually here already!

For those of you itching to see what I am up to, I have news!  I am up to TONS.  It dawns on me that all of a sudden, we are in the midst of full blown holidays!  As much as I think I prepare, what I really do is make huge lists of things to do that are crazy unattainable.  Google and Pinterest are a blessing and a curse.  More curse for people like me who are not content with just "pinning" an idea.  I feel an overwhelming, nagging urge to actually go forth and try it.  So, this time of year gets really busy for me.

One of the problems I did not anticipate when writing a blog, to share with people all of the things I work on and attempt, is that my audience would consist of many of the recipients of said projects and gifts.  So, I have been struggling with wanting to share all of my goodies, but in doing so, ruining really great surprises.  Hmmm, I am open to suggestions on how to handle this.  I have been photographing and documenting said projects and will maybe share in the future.  After my recipients...receive!

One thing I can do is share with you all of the projects for my kiddos.  No one better blab to them though!  

I just picked out fabric for our Christmas Eve Jammies.  In previous years, since Jude was born, we have always just bought new pajamas for Christmas.  However, with more of us to buy for, costs run high and it is way more cost efficient (and special) to have hand made pajamas.  I have the ability (time is a whole 'nother issue, but it never stopped me before!) so why not utilize my talents while I still have some right?

I am also finishing up my very first crocheted "garment!"  Just have to sew the buttons on!  I had always avoided the patterns that seemed like they would take forever, or seemed "too hard."  I could make scarves, hats, mittens, slippers, baby blankets, etc. with no qualms...essentially, anything that was closer to "instant gratification" than not!  My little Rio showed an interest in my crocheting and actually requested some slippers, which I was all too happy to oblige.  I finally bit the bullet and decided to crochet a matching cardigan and slouch beanie to go with the slippers I made for her.  It was surprisingly simple and super quick.  I think I got a good enough grasp of the pattern that I can make a ton of adjustments and size changes on my own to suit other sizes and styles in the future.  My new "go-to" gift I think.  Fat chance I will make it until Christmas to give them to her though!  We don't get a lot of cool days in Georgia, and I don't want her to miss any chances to sport her awesome new gear.  Plus, she can show it off to family in Wisconsin!

Speaking of Wisconsin...we will be leaving to visit and celebrate Thanksgiving with both of our families and party it up for Grandpa Buster's Retirement in a few short days.  So, naturally, I have been planning ahead (mostly in my mind and not enough in physicality) and trying to get all of our normal travel gear in order, plus Christmas gifts (What?!  It saves on shipping.  I'm not cheap...I'm frugal!) but also planning for any sort of early labor I may go into, what with being 36 weeks along and driving 18 hours...one way, and then back again, of course.  Yay!  Aside from all of the stressing planning, I am so super giddy to see our families.  It is such a treat that we have things like facebook and skype to stay in touch, but nothing beats walking in that familiar door back home, to familiar sights, sounds and smells (especially at Thanksgiving time!) and feeling such warm welcomes from all of the most important people of your life!

I wish, I wish, I wish...

Today was an exciting day for our little man Jude.  

We had our first meeting with his wish granter from the Make-A-Wish foundation!  Our meeting was at 1pm with Miss Sarah.  Jude picked out his own "Man Clothes...like dad" for this special occasion.  He was taking this meeting very seriously, as he had just learned about it this past Friday.  It was on his mind from the moment he learned of it and has been all he has talked about all weekend long.  For those of you who know Jude, you can imagine then, that we have answered about one million questions and listened to just about as many scenarios.  The idea of a real "wish" being granted is a mighty big deal to a five year old!

This day had me reflecting on his very unique journey in life so far.  My wish has always been that we didn't need a "wish".  That my child was never in a situation in the first place, to qualify for something like this.
Like all things in life, environmental factors play a huge role in the shaping of a person.  Though I imagined more control over Jude's environmental factors, he has grown to be quite a dashing and respectable young man, considering what he has already gone through at such a young age.  No mother imagines something like cancer being a part of her child's "environment."  In our case, I feel like we have done our best to make sure that Jude understands everything at an age appropriate level, and uses all of his experiences to learn and grow.

Because of Jude's long term treatment plan, we had to adapt to a completely new and super-structured lifestyle to accommodate all of the different medications he would be taking.  This was not only a learning curve for us parents, but for Jude as well.  His life of random snack times throughout the day, late nights of playing, cuddles and movies, plans for sleepovers, etc. were over as he knew it.  We needed to change a lot of his life, which was confusing and frustrating at first, but my resilient Jude learned to adapt.  A perfect example would be the fasting!  Try explaining to a two year old that they can't eat for six more hours after they wake up STARVING from a medication that makes them ravenously hungry.  Well, for Jude, who can be quite convincing and adamant about his thoughts, (even at age two) this was no easy task.  Our best bet to survive the ordeal was to ban all talk about food.  Jude, the well behaved little boy that he is, followed that very rule through and through...but boy did he ever find every loophole there ever was or could be!  Food talk not allowed = talk about the silverware he would be using later, or which shape his napkin would be folded at dinner, or even which condiments may be needed for later.  You get the picture.  This kid had something on his mind, and found a way to speak it!

All of his experiences have helped to shape his personality into the amazing Jude that he is.  He is a planner at heart.  He needs to understand everything, in full detail, and far in advance.  He needs time to process, and luckily for us, he does so out loud a lot of the time :)  So this whole new "wish" thing is a huge deal to him.  He wracked his brain all weekend and in true five year old fashion thought of possible wishes like:  Never having to brush his teeth again, but then he thought, maybe he should wish cavities never existed instead.  Nope, that wish won't do.  Maybe he could wish for a candy shooter to shoot candy into his mouth...hmmm, but then he said he would rather invent that when he is a mad scientist.

We knew early on, the day would come when Jude was ready to start the Make-A-Wish process, and it is finally here.  We couldn't be more thrilled at the thought.

I love how gestural he is when describes things :)
I like to think he gets that from his mama...
and that she looks just as cute doing it. too!

We met our wish coordinator, Miss Sarah, at our local coffee shop, Jittery Joes.  She was so sweet and absolutely welcoming to our family.  As with most people who meet Jude for the first time, she took quite a liking to him and seemed pleased that he was well spoken and able to relay his thoughts freely.  It was a pretty smooth process for the rest of us, as Jude took center stage and told us all about himself.   Easy-peasy for us, we just sat back and watched in awe :)

Safe to say, she was absolutely smitten with this kid when his answer to her question
"What is your favorite kind of music?" was "Tuvan Throat Singing,"
followed by a ten minute explanation and demonstration.
(Thanks a lot Uncle Dan, for that initial introduction by the way!)

I have to be honest, it is always a little scary to let your kid loose to talk to someone about...well, anything!  There is always that fear in the back of my mind that he is going to say something so horrifyingly embarrassing that I will just keel over and die.  But then...every time I "let him loose" I find myself filled with such pride and admiration.  This little dude is my boy!  I am so proud of him.  Every time I think I couldn't be more surprised at how awesome he is, he becomes more awesome.  I must look like a total crazy pants, sitting there with the biggest smile, tears in my eyes, gawking at this child that is so grown up for his age, so imaginative and intelligent.   Le sigh <3

"See ya Later" hugs.  

The meeting ended on a high note.  Jude threw us all for a loop when Miss Sarah asked the big question, "If you could wish for anything, what would your wish be?"  This kid is a total rockstar because what he came up with was just so perfect for him.  Based on all the discussion we had over the weekend, he must have been cooking up this secret idea all along.  Apologies in advance:  I am going to make the readers mad when I say...
I will not share the wish, as of right now.  <boo, hiss, grr!>  Sorry.

I don't want to say his wish because, well...it is certainly unique!  True Jude Fashion right there!  The Make-A-Wish foundation is super amazing for all that they do, but I am not certain that Jude's wish is even attainable.  We are still in the process and don't even know the next steps or how it all works.  So, eventually we will know things.  And eventually, you all will know things too :)

Big thinker.  Such a handsome young man :)

In the meantime, we will be answering a never ending slew of questions regarding Jude's wish.  Mostly from Jude.  I don't mind though.  This is his time.  Cheers!

Disguise the Turkey

Every month in Jude's Pre-K class, we get a week to do our Family Project at home.  This month's project was "Disguise the Turkey!"  The idea comes from the book, "T'was the Night Before Thanksgiving" 

Jude and I brainstormed all week long about how we were going to disguise his turkey. He came up with so many great ideas!  Yoda, Christmas Tree, Batman, Aaron Rodgers, a gorilla...the list goes on.  Every time I thought we had it narrowed down and hauled supplies to the table, a new idea emerged.  We searched together on google and Jude said, "What about a leprechaun?"  PERFECT!  We searched around to see if we could find a version of a leprechaun turkey and came up with zilch!  So I asked Jude to sketch up an idea of how we were going to go about making a turkey leprechaun. 

Our next step, was searching for supplies for our project.  We disguised his tail feathers as the rainbow, gave him a green suit and hat and stuck him in a Pot-o-Gold :) 

Jude had so much fun hand picking each piece of "gold" and globbing the glue all over. As you can probably see, mom had fun with this homework too! Gobble On little Turkey :)

I'm Back...again!

So, it must be the time of year that does this to me.  I always get inspired to start sharing what is going on here around October-ish, then things get busy and I fizzle out.  The inspiration is a-plenty this year.  October is when our whirlwind of holidays begins.  We have my son's birthday, my sister's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, a trip back to Wisconsin, Christmas...and this year, baby #3 due on Christmas.  We moved across the country, dragged my sister along for the ride and built a new house!  Also, my cousin Rachel started a beautiful, heartfelt blog about her and her husband's journey through fertility and marriage.  Her writing is so wonderful.  Considering the personal content, she manages to share enough that one can empathize, but it's is not bogged down with utter sadness or loss.  She has a light inside of her and it shows through her writing, and will one day show through her child(ren) :)

With all of these things crumpled up at the end of the year, I get super busy!  Hands-on, blood-sweat-tears busy!  I have so many projects that I have been working on in the new house, and for birthdays and holidays.   I get asked multiple times to tell all about them and so it dawns on me, MY BLOG!  It's just sitting there!  So, I am back at it.

So, now to tackle the problem of my inclination to "fizzle out".   I had been using my Facebook page as a sort of blog because it feels far less formal and I get instant feedback (likes, comments, etc.).  I am really going to try to hold myself accountable and maintain my free little plot of internet-land, but it will work out a million times better if I feel like I am doing it for someone else (What can I say? I'm a people pleaser!)  So, if you leave evidence of reading my posts (like it, digg it, share it, comment, follow, etc.) I will be less inclined to laze about and neglect this beautiful opportunity to share with everyone and create awesome memories of me and my families' shenanigans!

A few things have changed.  I no longer have my Gallery Pages, and will slowly switch focus of the blog from "OhLeftyStudios Business" to a more casual "Monica and her projects and stuff" kinda blog.  I feel like this is more suitable since I am not currently focusing my energies on the business.  Family is where it is at!  :)  No worries, in due time, OhLeftyStudios will be back in action, I just gotta get all my babies out of diapers first.  Also, I really have this huge urge to delete all of my blog and start over .  A little part of me has a compulsion to look/feel like I got it all together...but I don't!  Imagine that!  So, instead of starting from scratch, I am just "going from here" and letting history ring true.

On that note, ENJOY!  I am back for now!